Peach Likes Crack Pairings
by Soar318
Summary: Peach decides to scar everybody's mind during breakfast! Rated T for crack pairings. Note: No offense for anybody offended! Rated T for weird pairings.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Super Smash Brother's. All characters belong to their respective owners.

**Author's Notes**: I apologize in advance for any offense I may cause to anybody. I am not trying to be mean or rude, nor am I claiming that the pairings I will mention are not as good as any other pairing, nor are they crack pairings.

Again, I apologize for any offense I may cause to anybody.

…..

It was a very normal, sunny morning in the Smash Mansion when the Assistant Trophies and the thirty or so Smashers came wandering down for breakfast. Everybody had a large amount of sleep last night, and they all looked forward to the day's events with high spirits. Even the rather gloomy people, like Shadow and Ganondorf, were feeling better than usual.

There was the usual sound of chatter, plates and utensils tinkling, and the shifting of chairs and tables when Peach came waltzing in, looking as prim and pink as ever. In her arms was a sleepy Kirby, who immediately wriggled out when he caught sight of the food. Samus was busy debating with the princess about wearing a dress, while Zelda drifted in behind them, apparently lost in thought.

"But Sammy, you would look _gorgeous_ in a dress!" Peach exclaimed as the three girls sat down at a random table. The other few people sitting at the table glanced up at them, before going back to their conversation.

"Peach, for the last time. I. Am. Not. Wearing. A. Dress," Samus huffed. "They make me feel so uncovered! And what would everybody else think if they saw me like that?"

Zelda sighed softly, shaking her head. Pit, who was sitting next to her, leaned over. "Something wrong?"

"Yeah," the princess muttered back. "Those two have been arguing all morning about Samus wearing a dress. Peach has never pestered Sammy this much to wear one. I'm wondering right now why she's doing this."

"Why, is the internet I installed not working or something?" Snake paused on his way to a table, raising an eyebrow at the two.

"No, it's working fine. Peach actually spent around two hours on it before Sammy and I managed to get her to go to bed. Apparently she was reading some kind of story," Zelda frowned. "Maybe that's why."

"Huh," Snake frowned slightly. "I can disconnect it if you'd like."

"If you do, then I'm going to chop you up in the most painful way possible and feed you to Rayquazza," Peach suddenly snarled, glaring at Snake so ferociously he took a step back. "I was just reading the _best_ story on this website, and you are _not_ going to prevent me from finishing it!"

"And what's this story about then?" Samus sighed, rolling her eyes as she took a bite out of her scrambled eggs.

Peach immediately started squealing, all aggressiveness gone. "Oh, it was so _romantic_! It's the reason why I wanted you to wear a dress, Sammy! It was about you and Snake falling for each other when Master Hand decided to hold a ball!"

She had squealed that last part so loud that just about everybody heard it, and so everybody was witness to Snake getting a massive nosebleed as he dropped his breakfast tray, and Samus choking on her eggs. The soldier quickly clamped a hand over his nose and ran out of the hall, his face blazing red. Samus was guzzling down a glass of water, trying to get all the egg down, when Peach suddenly commented loudly, "But there's also this story that was just as romantic as that one! It was about you and Meta Knight having a secret crush on each other!"

Since the cafeteria at that point was perfectly silent, everybody, including the blue puffball that was at the other side of the room, heard her. Meta Knight started choking on his toast, while Samus abruptly spat out her water, spraying Ness. But the boy was too busy watching Meta Knight struggling to cough up his breakfast to notice.

Peach, however, took no notice. "And then there's this other story where apparently, Marth and Meta Knight are an item!"

Prince Marth immediately went bright red, the color clashing horribly with his blue hair. The puffball, finished with coughing up his toast, buried his face into his hands to hide the fact that his eyes that had turned an embarrassed pink.

"And then I read how Jigglypuff and R.O.B. fell for each other," Peach babbled happily, as the Pokemon turned scarlet and the robot's head exploded. "And then this romantic Ike and Marth story-" the two suddenly got up and raced out of the cafeteria, looking for the nearest bathroom. "-and this other one where Pikachu and Falco were competing for Wolf's attention-" the electric mouse and Star Fox member raced out with bright red faces, while Wolf sputtered through his mouthful of milk. "-and then I found this adorable Meta Knight paired with Kirby story!" The knight ducked underneath his table, embarrassment rolling off of him in waves, while the younger puffball started choking on his apple.

"Peach, what the heck were you reading last night?" Zelda moaned as she buried her face into her hands. "You're going to scar everyone for life!"

The blonde princess's sparkling eyes turned onto her fellow princess, before squealing loudly at the sight of Pit gently rubbing Zelda's back in an attempt to comfort her.

"I can't believe it!" Peach shrieked. "That story about Pit winning Zelda's heart was true!"

Pit jerked his hand away, as if Zelda had burned him, and Link glared at the angel from across the room. Nobody could see Zelda's face, but it was obvious that she was just as flustered as Pit.

"Aw, that was so close!" Peach whined, before brightening up again. "No worries, Zelda! I'll bet Samus would make a good match for you!"

The bounty hunter leaped onto the table with a red face. "What makes you think I'm a lesbian, you little-!"

"That's enough, Samus," Zelda mumbled, before dragging her friend out of the cafeteria. Peach smiled happily. "Yay! I'm so glad they make such a nice couple!"

An orange bomb flew into the café and exploded right behind the princess, but she didn't seem to notice.

"And then I read this Shadow and Knuckle Joe love story-" Sonic struggled to prevent a raging Shadow from Chaos Blasting the whole cafeteria and Knuckle Joe copied Meta Knight in hiding under the table. "-and in another one, Pit, Ness, and Lucas were a threesome-" the three immediately bolted out of the room. "-and then there was this other story about Ganondorf falling for Bowser -" the two villains had to be held back by Mario and Link. "-and then Mr. Game & Watch and Mario apparently fell in love-" the plumber let go of Bowser in horror, while the 2-D man literally melted from the terrifying image. "-and then Popo and Diddy Kong became an item-" the ape's head exploded, and the Ice Climber smashed himself with his hammer, hoping to knock himself out. "-and there's this other one where Captain Falcon and Lucario fight over Luigi!"

By the time Peach had exhausted just about every single yaoi, yuri and straight pairing imaginable, over half of the Smashers and Assistant Trophies were either in an asylum or Dr. Mario's office, undergoing extreme therapy. The rest were either scattered around the Smash Mansion, struggling to ignore Peach's joyous shrieks with little success, or writhing on the floor in the destroyed cafeteria, desperately trying to find some sort of sanity inside their horrendously scarred minds.

Giving a final happy sigh, Peach closed her eyes and leaned back in her chair, completely oblivious to what she had done. Her blue eyes snapped open a moment later as a single question popped into her mind.

"Meta Knight!"

"Leave me alone!" a rather high-pitched, miserable voice wailed from underneath a table. Peach blinked in confusion.

"But I just want to ask you a question!" she complained.

"…"

"Just one!"

"Fine! What is it?"

"Who in the world is Escaragon?"

"…And _why_ are you asking me this?"

"Because I read a story where you, Kirby and King Dedede were fighting for this Escaragon's affections!"

There was a single moment of silence, before Meta Knight, King Dedede, Kirby, and Knuckle Joe all burst out from underneath chairs and tables, screaming bloody murder as they raced out of the cafeteria. Peach frowned.

"Well, that was quite rude," she muttered, before getting up and sweeping out, as prim and pink as ever.

_**End **_

**Author's Notes**: Once again, I apologize for any offense I may have caused to anybody. I was not trying to be mean or rude, nor am I claiming that the pairings I have mentioned are not as good as any other pairing, or that they are crack pairings.

Again, I apologize for any offense I have caused to anybody.

…Happy Valentine's Day!


End file.
